Setting Boundaries: 6 tips for learning limits

Boundaries are the invisible lines that protect our emotional wellbeing, our energy, our sense of safety, and our identity. They tell us where we end and where others begin. When our boundaries are healthy, we feel grounded, connected, and able to give and receive care without losing ourselves in the process.

But for many people, boundaries feel confusing, slippery, or even dangerous. You might find yourself saying “yes” when you mean “no,” feeling guilty for having needs, or constantly putting others first until you're overwhelmed or resentful. If this feels familiar, you’re not alone. Broken boundaries often come from lived experiences, not personal flaws.

Let’s explore why boundaries break — and how to rebuild them in a compassionate, sustainable way.

My painting of messy boundaries.

Why Do Boundaries Break?

1. Childhood Conditioning

Many people grow up in families where:

• saying “no” was punished,

• compliance was praised,

• emotional needs were minimised,

• or parents expected children to regulate their emotions.

If you learned early that love was conditional or that your worth depended on keeping others happy, your adult boundaries will reflect that.

2. Trauma and Survival Strategies

Trauma teaches the nervous system to prioritise safety over authenticity.Common trauma adaptations include:

• people-pleasing (fawning),

• silence to avoid conflict,

• hyper-independence,

• or freezing and going along with things to keep the peace.

These strategies were protective — but they can become barriers to setting healthy boundaries as an adult.

3. Cultural and Social Expectations

In Aotearoa, many people are taught:

• be kind,

• don’t make a fuss,

• don’t upset anyone,

• be grateful,

• be tough

• look after others first.

These messages can create guilt around expressing needs and setting limits.

4. Past Experiences With Rejection

f you’ve been shamed, ignored, or punished for having boundaries, your nervous system remembers.Your brain signals: “Don’t risk that again — stay small.”

5. Low Self-Worth or Self-Doubt

It’s hard to set limits when you’re not convinced your needs matter.You might think:

• “I don’t want to be a burden.”

• “Their needs are more important.”

• “I should just cope.”

But boundaries are not about worthiness, they are about wellbeing.

6. Religious trauma or Cult involvement

If you were raised in a highly religious, cultic or coercive environment there are high expectations on behaviour - having no limits helps the organisation to thrive on low cost labour and cooperation. Some of the tactics that break down limits are:

• your needs are secondary to the purpose of the group

• love bombing you into submission

• questioning the groups dogma, is shamed

• obedience equals enlightenment

• humility over assertiveness

What Happens When Boundaries Keep Breaking?

Broken boundaries can lead to:

• burnout or emotional exhaustion

• resentment

• loss of self-trust

• difficulty making decisions

• difficulty in relationships

• self-abandonment

• anxiety, guilt, or shame

• feeling invisible or unheard

Over time, people can feel disconnected from who they are because they’ve spent so long being who others want them to be. This can lead to developing what we call a "false self" like a mask we wear to keep ourselves safe.

What’s the Answer? Restoring Boundaries with Compassion

Healing boundaries is not about becoming rigid or “cutting people off.”It’s about reconnecting with yourself.

Here’s where the repair begins:

1. Reconnect to Your Body

Your body is the first place your boundaries show up.

Notice:

• tension in your chest

• heaviness in your stomach

• a lump in your throat

• the urge to freeze, fawn, or rush

These sensations are your early warning signals.Learning to trust them is step one.

2. Identify Your Non-Negotiables

Examples:

• “I need time to rest.”

• “I don’t answer work messages after hours.”

• “I won’t minimise my feelings.”

Start small.Clarity creates calm.

3. Practice Saying “Pause” Instead of “Yes”

If saying “no” feels too scary at first, try:

• “Let me think about that.”

• “I’ll get back to you.”

• “I need a moment to decide.”

This interrupts automatic people-pleasing and gives your nervous system time to settle.

4. Heal the Guilt

Guilt is not a sign you’re doing something wrong.It’s a sign you’re doing something new.

When guilt appears, try saying to yourself:

• “It’s safe to have needs.”

• “I’m allowed to take up space.”

• “This discomfort is part of healing.”

5. Build Boundaries Through Behaviour, Not Just Words

Boundaries are strengthened by consistent action:

• leaving conversations when they become unsafe

• logging off when exhausted

• protecting your weekends

• stepping back from relationships that drain you

Repeating small acts of self-respect builds confidence over time.

6. Seek Safe Support

You don’t have to do this alone.Therapy can offer:

• nervous system regulation,

• tools for communication,

• a space free of judgment,

• and support as you rewrite old patterns.

Healing boundaries is easier when someone walks beside you.

Final Thoughts

You were never meant to carry the world on your shoulders.Your boundaries are not walls they’re pathways back to yourself. Doorways to a new way of being! As a past "people pleaser" I can say that with practice and time it gets way easier. Often I don't even realise I have set a limit, it just comes naturally now.

When you begin to honour your needs, you create relationships based on respect, safety, and authenticity. You become more grounded, more present, and more connected, not just to others, but to the truth of who you are. Good luck, keep practicing, my thoughts are with you on this journey!!